Wolverine Vs......
by Wolvie
Summary: Wolverine takes on many......um......deserving adversaries....::Evil Grin::
1. Wolverine Vs. The Crocodile Hunter

(Heads-up: Yeah, okay, Wolverine is owned by Marvel. I'm not sure who owns the name Crocodile Hunter. Probably Steve Irwin, but I'm not sure. The point: I don't own it. Thanks. Enjoy!)  
  
  


  
Wolverine Vs. The Crocodile Hunter  
Part one in a series.  
**By Logan**  


  
  
  
  
  
We open on Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. He's trekking through the Canadian wilderness. He is in search of something........  
  
Crocodile Hunter: G'Day, Mates! I'm Steve Irwin! Today on the Crocodile Hunter; we're in search of one of the most dangerous creatures in the world. The Rabid Wolverine!   
  
Steve is walking through the woods, he comes to a break in the plants.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: To quote one of me favorite cartoon characters, be very, very quiet. I'm huntin' Wolverine.' Steve chuckles That of course isn't an exact quote. Elmer Fudd never hunted a Wolverine. Certainly not the kind we're hunting at this very moment.  
  
You see, we're not hunting your average, normal, everyday Wolverine. The little furry beast with a ragin' attitude. No, we're hunting the Marvel character, Wolverine. We're gonna make an attempt at tagging him, so we know where he goes on his regular treks into the Canadian wilderness.  
  
Steve peers through the plants. There, he sees Logan. He sees Wolverine.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Crikey! There he is! Okay, Mates. We need to be extra quiet here. If he becomes aware of our presence, there's no telling what he might do! I say again, he's Very, VERY dangerous!  
  
Wolverine walks through the woods, he stops when he picks up a scent. He turns quickly to face Steve.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Crikey! It appears he's seen us!  
  
Wolverine: Who's there?  
  
Steve whimpers in fear.  
  
Wolverine:   
  
Wolverine walks slowly to the brush, where Steve and his camera crew are hiding. Steve gets up and attaches a tagging device to Wolverine's ear.  
  
Wolverine: Ow! What the hell?! Get over here you little runt!  
  
Steve screams like a schoolgirl runs away. Wolverine gives chase, impaling some camera men while he passes.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: It appears we've gotten him a bit angry! Perhaps it wasn't wise of us to apply the tag so soon!  
  
Wolverine: Who the hell are you talking to?! I Killed your camera crew!  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Crikey! It appears he's trying to strike up a conversation with us!  
  
Wolverine chases Steve through the woods, they come to a clearing. Steve swings around to face Wolverine.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Now look here, Mr. Wolverine. I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile hunter. And I've made it me duty to tag you.  
  
Wolverine: Oh, wow. You're the Croc hunter....I love your show! I Watch it all the......Wait....You tagged me!? You sonuva....  
  
Wolverine slashes at Steve, taking off his arm.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Crikey! Me arm! Steve runs off again.   
  
Wolverine: What the.....he's running?! I just sliced off his arm!! Wolverine gives chase.  
  
Wolverine: How the hell is he running after I.....What the hell am I saying? He gets bitten by crocodiles for a living.....  
  
Wolverine punctures Steve's back with his claws. Steve whimpers in pain, but continues running.  
  
Wolverine: What the hell....You're not human!!  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Neither are you!  
  
Wolverine: I....I'm a.....DAMN YOU! Wolverine plunges his claws into Steve's back again.  
  
This time, Steve stops. He turns to confront Wolverine.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: Now, look here, Mr. Marvel character. I've run enough. I'm gonna kick yer ass! I'm gonna....I'm gonna.....Crikey....I've lost quite a bit of blood.....  
  
Steve collapses.  
  
Crocodile Hunter: I Need........a......Medic........  
  
Wolverine's watch alarm beeps.  
  
Wolverine: Ooh! I Don't have time for this. I gotta get home and watch the Crocodile......hunt......SHIT!  
  
Wolverine runs to Steve's side.  
  
Wolverine: Steve?! Come on, Buddy, Speak to me!!  
  
Steve slowly passes on.  
  
Wolverine: ......Shit. There goes my Saturday night.....  
  
Wolverine walks pass the dead bodies of Steve Irwin and his crew.  
  
Wolverine: I Need a drink......  
  
Wolverine makes his way to a bar...........  
  
  


TO BE CONTINUED.........


	2. Wolverine Vs. Gary Coleman

(READ: Okay, so I don't own Wolvie. However, I do own Gary Coleman. That's right....he's my lil' bitch! LOL Kidding. Sorry if I've offended any Gary Coleman fans....It's late....forgive me. : ) )  
  
  
Wolverine enters a bar, exhausted after brutally slaying Steve Crocodile Hunter Irwin and his camera crew.  
  
Wolverine: Man, killing a half a dozen men really puts that deep, down, body thirst into ya.  
  
Wolverine sits at the bar, he looks around for a bartender but all he sees is a the top of a fuzzy, black barstool.  
  
Wolverine: What, no bartender?  
  
A Voice rises from be beneath the bar: Whatchu' talkin' bout, Wolvie?  
  
Wolverine looks down to find it isn't the top of a fuzzy, black barstool. It's the top of Gary Coleman's head.  
  
Wolverine: Gah! Whoa are.....Wait.....Has anyone ever told ya, ya look just like....  
  
Gary Coleman: Yeah, yeah, I know, Gary Coleman.  
  
Wolverine: No.....Manuel Lewis.  
  
Gary Coleman: Manuel Lewis?!  
  
Wolvie: Yeah, ya know that little black dude from Webster.  
  
Gary screams and jumps up, he swings at Wolverine but can't quite reach. He runs to the end of the bar and returns with a barstool. He climbs up, steps on the bar and socks Wolverine in the face.  
  
Wolverine: OW! What the hell was that for?!  
  
Gary Coleman: I Ain't no Manuel Lewis. I'm Gary Coleman!  
  
Wolverine: Gary Cole--.......Oh! Yeah, the little midget guy from Different Strokes. Man.....You've changed.....  
  
Gary socks him again.  
  
Wolverine: OW! Quit that!  
  
Gary Coleman: Quit calling me Manuel Lewis and quit making cracks about my height!  
  
Wolvie: Whatever, small fry.  
  
Gary socks him again.  
  
Wolverine: OW! Do it again...I beg of you......Give me a reason!!  
  
Gary Coleman:   
  
Wolverine:   
  
Gary Coleman:   
  
Wolverine: Alright, maybe this'll get ya....DA PLANE!! DA PLANE!!!  
  
Gary screams and lunges at Wolverine, who grabs him.  
  
Wolverine: HA! GOTCHA!  
  
Wolverine throws Gary Coleman against the wall, he bounces back, knocking Wolverine off his barstool. He lands flat on his back.  
  
Wolverine looks up, he sees Gary Coleman standing on the bar, looking down on him....very pissed. He gets to his feet as Gary jumps down. Gary pulls a pair of linked sausages out of his pocket.  
  
Wolverine: .....okay, I don't want to know the meaning behind that......  
  
Gary Coleman: Prepare to die, bitch!  
  
Gary flips the sausages around like a pair of nunchucks.  
  
Wolverine: Oh, god...No, please don't hurt me. I'll.......wait a minute....'Bitch'?! Oh, hell no....  
  
Wolverine grabs the sausages from Gary and beats him with them. Wolverine beats Gary so severely, he is on the ground, groaning.  
  
Wolverine: Had enough, runt?  
  
Gary spits at Wolverine.  
  
Wolverine: Wrong answer.  
  
Wolverine continues to beat Gary with the sausages until he stops moving.  
  
Wolverine: Whew. That's the end of the maniacal munchkin's reign of terror.  
  
Wolverine begins walking out of the bar, he turns.   
  
Wolverine: Man......beaten to death with sausages........tsk, tsk, tsk.  
  
  


TO BE CONTINUED.......


End file.
